Aiden used to be such a bad sleeper -- at 16 months he was still getting up every 2 hours to nurse. He used to hold his eyes open with his fingers because he hated to sleep so much. So I’m very thankful that at 5 is has become a very good sleeper. Too good, in fact. He conks out by 7:30 or 8 every night and is dead to the world until 5 or 6am. But that is the problem. He consumes a lot of liquid before he goes to bed, and after going through many months of waking up to soggy sheets and blankets when he was younger, we’ve developed a ritual of making Aiden pee once before we go to bed. We carry him to the bathroom and hold his penis for him so that his pee doesn’t spray all over the place.
The problem is that sometimes he needs to go before we take him to the bathroom, or once again afterwards. He wakes up and stumbles around, too discombobulated to figure out where he is. Sometimes I’m sitting in the living room watching TV and I hear a loud THUMP. THUMP. THUMP sound from the bedroom. Is it a poltergeist? Is someone hammering? No. It is Aiden repeatedly running into the door, since in his sleep-addled state he is unable to figure out how to turn the knob.
Sometimes in this state he makes it out of the room but gets confused during the five foot walk to the bathroom, pulls down his pants and pees in some random corner of the living room. Sometimes he makes it to the bathroom but mistakes some other appliance (or the floor) for the toilet and lets loose.
One day I was getting ready for bed and sat down on the toilet to do my own business when in stumbled Aiden, eyes half closed, pants already down. Without registering that the bathroom was already occupied, he let loose a stream of warm pee -- on me. I started screaming, which startled him awake, but he couldn’t stop. And then I realized: I live with three Penises. And: golden showers are really not worth the hype.